


The Meaning Of Love

by SassyHomisapienDude



Category: Pearl x Fem!Reader
Genre: Depression, F/F, f/f - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-04-17 03:50:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14179926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyHomisapienDude/pseuds/SassyHomisapienDude
Summary: Dude, summaries mean effort, just read it and summarize it yourself man.





	1. At A Glance

**Author's Note:**

> This will involve some fluff, smut, and lemons between the reader and the Gem, Pearl, if you don't agree with this choice of a fandom, then please, the door is over there --> leave.
> 
> Do not report this, I did warn you about the lemons and stuff, so, if you are too young or don't agree, don't blame me. There were warnings. Also, please, give me more stuff. I do not stray from my fandoms, the only one I'm in between on is in Fairy Tail. Grey x Natzu, or Grey x Juvia!? I can't decide!! AAAHHH! Other than that, I'm pretty solid about my stuff.
> 
> __ = Name
> 
> .. thats all.. just let me be now.. :3 .....  
> Why are you still here?? There's a perfectly good story for you to read here.. uhm.. please.. senpai.. go.
> 
> Alright this is just getting obnoxious now. I'm leaving. *stands up and slams the door in your face leaving you with just the story and a bunch of regret for making me leave my nice warm bed.*

You watch as the wind makes the tree branches move, as if they are participating in some sort of dancing routine. Footsteps interrupt your focus, and you jump when you hear the voice. "Hello __, what are you looking at?" She sits beside you, and, at a glance, all you see is beauty, long, slender, pale limbs. Her every movement is flawless, painfully flawless. Her voice is soft, caring, like a mother speaking to a child. You can't help but smile. Then you look deeper into her, and that glance means nothing. She hides pain in those beautiful eyes, screams of fallen members of the rebellion echo around her. You see years of tears fallen, unwelcome sorrows, loss. She says she's flawed, at fault, ruined, but she's not, why can't she see that? "Um.. I was looking at the trees.." "Hm, that's nice. They are beautiful, aren't they?" You blush a bit at the though of the word 'beautiful', being used by her, it almost feels as if she's saying it about you, but no. Nothing like that ever happens to you. Love is not found like that. But, if only, if only you were stronger, maybe then you could tell her! Say just how you feel! You're gonna do it, you will this time, no joke, it's gonna happen! You look at her, and "Yeah, I guess they are, but, I was looking more at the way the wind moves them, it's like a dance." .. damn. You turn your head back to the trees and pretend to be focused, but really, you are screaming at yourself. Why are you like this? Why are you so.. weak.   
At a glance, you are happy, always content with life, ready to adventure. At a glance, all they see is how you look, how your actions are always so.. eccentric, you are eccentric. At a glance, you are good, you are what they all want to be. But in reality, you are not happy. You are sad, angry, done. You have the gun in one hand, the pills in the other, and bottles littering the floor. Voices fill your head, and while you haven't done anything yet, not sipped from the bottles, not swallowed a pill, not loaded the gun, you feel like you have. Your mind is racing, spinning, asking. 'Should I do this? Should I give up?' You open the socket of the gun, loading the bullets. 'Am I really ready? Have I done enough' You cock the gun and begin to trace every inch of it with your right hand finger. 'Is my letter good enough? Will anyone even give a damn?' You lift the hand full of pills, trying to decide what to do with them. 'Will they read it? Is someone gonna cry? God damnit I hope to hell they do.' Your hand is shaking so much that the pills fall onto the floor, you grab the gun and try to figure out where to shoot. 'Maybe if I die then.. no.. I never even told her. Did I write it? I must have, I'm so tired.' You place the gun to your temple, before another thought can go through your mind, you feel pinned. "__! What are you doing!?" She holds you close, picks you up, carries you out to the street, sets you down and holds your hand.  
At a glance, they are beautiful, calm, happy. At a glance, they are a couple, they are great, they are worry free. But a glance means nothing. In reality, Pearl holds on, because she doesn't want to lose another love, no. In reality, Pearl read the note, Pearl barely believed that you were still alive. In reality.. no one thinks about reality, it's always just the glance, but the glance keeps people safe, right? "__ ..." She pulls you close, holds onto you, then pulls away and looks into your eyes. "__ ... I don't want to see anything like that again! You had me so worried.." "... Why would you be worried about me? I- ... I'm worthless.." She opens her mouth, about to say something, but stops. She pulls you close, and presses her cool, soft lips to yours. You relax in her arms, you kiss her back while tears fall down your cheeks. For a while you stay there, holding each other, crying, and just feeling comfort through each other. "__.. please tell me you won't try that again." It wasn't a request, it was a demand. "O-okay Pearl. I won't." "Promise me!" Pain is brimming in her eyes. It is impossible to refuse. "I promise." You hug each other and stay by each other for the rest of the nigh.


	2. Silent Cries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just write what I imagine, so you get no summary.. because that would require me to know what I planned on writing.. and I don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's sad, it's anxty, it's kinda pretty. It really does help to have a near college credit in English and litterature when writing these things.. the only thing it doesn't help with... is... lemons. Spicy fluffy lemons. I don't have any in this chapter, but I hope I am warming them up enough for it. I wanna take it slow, kinda let the love flow, because I honestly have an interesting idea for how gems would... 'mate' so-to-say. But that's for when the time comes. For now, enjoy you little sinners and lovers.

You are unsure of how you wound up here, wrapped in her surprisingly soft, yet firm grip, allowing yourself to be held like a child. One of her hands running softly through your hair, the other supporting your weight so you don't slip. Watching her, as you helplessly lay with your arms weakly resting around her shoulders. Memories flash through your brain, like a motion film, but the images seem... almost... static, her voice keeps fading in, and out, like a bad audio recording. You remember how she carried you from the bench, back into your home. How she carefully set you on your messy sofa. Watched as she picked up the pills, took the unopened bottles, tossed them all in an empty trash can. You watched her empty all of the bullets from the gun onto the counter, then meticulously took each one appart, emptying the makings of them into a bomb proof box, of which, she pulled from her gem. You sat there, with your arms feeling numb. Then, you watched as she took the gun, and tossed it into the bag with the bullet remaints. You saw the pain in her eyes, the stress she tried so hard to hide, whit that georgeous smile of hers. You faintly remember her waivering voice saying, '__, I will be back in a minute, I just need to take the trash outside.' You watched her walk out, and then your vision blurred out, and you woke up, wrapped in her arms, still unable to fully use your own. You stay there, motionless, not wanting to cause her more pain, you just look at her, unable to smile, but unwilling to cry. You both sit there, in the calming silence.  
"__, are you feeling any better?" She asks, calmly, rubbing your back gently. "I don't know." You say back, truthfully, because, you honestly feel nothing. You feel a strange emptiness, and this lack of feeling brings on a whole new feeling. Loneliness, loneliness to the point where, even if you were surrounded by friends and family, you woild still feel alone. Its a painful lonely. You feel her tugging at your arm, and you stand. You follow her into your kitchen, then into the hallway, then to your bedroom. She gently lays you on your bed, and sits beside you, never letting go of your arm, almost as if she's afraid to let you go, because you may never come back. You manage to move your numb arms to the point where they are more of draped around her waist, than wrapped, and she smiles. She leans down, and lightly kisses your forehead, before allowing you to fall asleep. She sits there, not knowing how long it's been, and not caring. She pulls the note from her gem, and reads it over again, as if reading the note, will somehow make you stay with her longer. 

'I'm not sure how this kind of thing works,  
you know, the whole, writing a letter, thing.  
What does it do? I know, it says goodbye,  
when you don't think you will have the chance.  
Why say goodbye though, if you already  
know no one will miss you. Why take  
the time to write anything at all, really.  
Why am I taking the time... I guess... I   
feel guilty, or something? Like, by writing  
this, I will prevent anyone from feeling  
like they lost me. Although, I don't know  
why anyone would care enough about me  
to consider it a loss. So, I guess my only  
excuse for writing this letter, is to say, I  
like you, no, damn. I won't have to see you  
again, so I don't know why I'm still scared   
to even write it. Maybe it's because I'm worried  
that I may fail and have to face you, maybe  
it's because even death can't erase the  
pain of a rejection. Okay, then, whatever  
happens will happen I guess... so, I want   
to say, I love you, Pearl. I know you love  
Rose still, and I know you may never be  
able to love anyone else, but that doesn't   
stop me from feeling this, painful sting, of  
seeing you, so beautiful, but so hurt. I hate  
just, watching you, and never being able to  
say, or do, anything. But, if you were wondering,  
no, that's not the reason I want to die. It's  
more complicated than that. My life, it's  
so... painful. Every day, I get told that I am  
not good enough, every day, someone proves  
to me that I am worthless. I know it's just  
them trying to get to me, but that's what  
makes it... so much worse. I can't handle  
it anymore. I can't handle feeling so worthless,  
so helpless, so... weak. I don't know if you  
will see this before I'm dead, but part of me  
hopes you do, part of me hopes you will  
save me, because if you do, maybe, just maybe,  
I can feel like I'm worth something to someone.

A painful <3, From,  
__.'

She pulls you closer to her, as she puts the note back in her gem, and she allows her eyes to close, she doesn't sleep, but she does, finally, begin to smile, not an artificial one, but a loving one. Her left hand traces circles on your upper back, while her right one plays with your hair, and you sleep, blissfully unaware of how much things were beginning to change between you, and the strong war veteran from a completely different home world than your own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh.... So, I have no excuse for why this took so long to write. All I can say, is I'm sorry. I wrote the first one like, what, one year ago? And I completely forgot about it, until I stumbled upon it again. I appreciate the love you guys are giving it, and I wanna thank you for taking the time to read it. I know it's very slow-going, but please, be patient with me. I will make it up to you. I promise.

**Author's Note:**

> =====================  
> Sooo.... that was.. fun.  
> I'm sorry it was so bad, I'm exhausted, this is really late at night.   
> If you want me to continue with this story, tell me, I already have ideas for more!  
> For now, good bye. Go to sleep. More words. Im out.


End file.
